Time Stop!: What Happens When You Glue Thor to a Building.

A while back I decided to try a little makeshift DnD adventure with my usual DnD group of Dave, Aaron, and Alex as well as our friend Matt who had been visiting for the weekend from Michigan. This was just something I had thought of on a whim and carried out over the course of a single night. In an added bonus this week I actually have the story in every bit of detail. Why? Because unlike a traditional game everything done during our campaign was done through written word. It was sort of along the lines of those stories that people contribute to line by line until the story is complete.  I acted as DM, giving story ques, and the rest would react in turn and eventually all of their responses developed into a single story. Get comfy guys, this one’s a long one. Oh, and it might get a little bit confusing.

DM to Dave: “You are standing in a small warehouse in the middle of a field. In front of you stands a large naked man with bits of wood and cement stuck to him while holding a large sledgehammer. He declares himself as Thor, god of thunder, and that he was just glued to a floor, all with a very manly Norse accent. What do you do?”

Quick note: Since the campaign was carried out on a sort of message board Dave had not become aware of his status int he campaign. Because of that you’ll be getting an abundance of Aaron and Alex.

DM to Aaron: “You are sitting within a small office in a small warehouse in the middle of a field. As you look up from your paperwork you notice a large naked man standing with what appears to be a chunk of floor glued to his back holding a large sledgehammer. Several feet in front of the man stands a smaller, less impressive looking man that you swear you’ve seen somewhere. The larger man yells something you can’t quite make out but you feel this may actually require your attention, after all the paperwork is dreadfully boring. What do you do?”

DM to Alex: “You are sitting atop the roof of a small warehouse in the middle of a field. You notice through one of the ceiling windows that there is a large man standing within the building. You can’t tell for sure but you feel like he isn’t wearing clothing and may have something stuck to his back. In front of him is a smaller man that you’re sure is in fact wearing clothing. The large man yells something but you can’t quite hear from this distance. You feel that this may need investigating but you’re on the roof. What do you do?”

Aaron to DM: “I would take the most potent weapon I would obviously have behind a desk, a broadsword, and charge at the sledgehammer wielding man. I go from the front, dodge the swing he would perform at me and slice at his hands/arms in order to disarm him. If successful, I begin to interrogate the man and figure out what is going on. If not, I begin to start my attacks with the intent to finish him. Got a 15 on the dodge and 17 on the disarm attack.”

DM to Aaron: “You fail to dodge the man’s attack and are knocked backwards a couple of feet. The blow wasn’t direct and you only take 6 damage. The man exclaims that he is Thor, god of thunder, and that no mere mortal could ever best him in a duel. The force of his yell shatters the windows of the warehouse, revealing a small blond haired onlooker that you swear you recognize. You then realize that Thor cannot move as his feet are still stuck to the floor, but the blow from the hammer has winded you.”

Alex to DM: “I remind myself of my objective and burn down the warehouse, making sure no one gets out. Mission Accomplished.”

DM to Alex: ” Before you get out your matches a loud yell from within the building sounds and shatters the windows. You can now fully hear what is being said within the building and the large man is not pleased by the aggressive attacks of another man that appears to be an office worker wielding a broad sword. You swear that you also recognize this man. Do you still wish to burn the building? If so roll your d20.”

Alex to DM: “Yes. I burn down the building, then call in a jet-copter for pickup.”

DM to Alex: “I rolled for you, spoilsport, it was 4. You fail to get a spark and the building remains intact, the matches you were using are now unusable and you have no other way to burn the building. The pilots inform you that they’re busy with lunch and will be a little late, and besides that mission is still incomplete. You realize that the office worker has been knocked backward and the other small man is just standing there like ‘herp derp’.”

Quick note: When I said that I rolled for him this was because he had refused to play along. Alex, despite being a goofy person, isn’t always up for spontaneous fun and wasn’t into the idea I had set up.

Aaron to DM: “I regard the onlooker as total bull shit until a point that it is relevant to my immediate situation. As I get back to my feet, inwardly cursing myself for leaving Malex, a famed shortsword empowered with the might to slay gods, back home to be polished. I face Thor, realizing that I am too under-equipped to actually battle him, and ask to know how he was glued there, what way could I assist to free him, and what form of reward would there be. But since he is the god of thunder, I make it in the form of a diplomacy check to not sound like a dick about it: 17.”

DM to Aaron: “You succeed in calming Thor, god of thunder, enough to have a conversation. He tells you that he has been wrongfully punished by his father Odin, father of the gods, and glued to the floor by his assistant Toe Rag. This is unfortunately the glue of the gods and cannot be subdued except by a god. Thor declares that he has used up too much of his strength to free himself this much and that Toe Rag is the only one capable of getting him free now. He might still be in the building.”

Alex to DM: “I pull out a tracking beacon and place it on the roof, tell the pilots to get off their lunch break (please) and launch some missles into the building where the beacon is. I then proceed to move away from the warehouse until I am a safe distance away.”

DM to Alex: “The tractor beacon seems to not be working. The pilots inform you that they are union and are by law allowed an hour lunch break everyday. Your pick up will have to wait. The missiles launch but have no where to go and wind up hitting a small ranch several miles down the road. The warehouse is fine.
There is no ladder on the outer wall of the building. The only way out now is through the shattered ceiling window created by the large man’s shout. You notice that the office worker is now discussing with the large man and that things seem to have calmed themselves.”

Alex to DM: “I empathize with the pilots and tell them the Man just keeps pushing us around, and to just pick me up when their break is over. I inform them that MY union frowns upon faulty equipment being provided for me, and that my lawyer will hear about these sad excuses for matches and tracking beacons.
I also kindly ask them to, if it doesn’t inconvenience them, find something to light this warehouse on fire. No point in letting a perfectly good mission go on incomplete. I proceed to look up at the sky and compare clouds to different shapes and whatnot.”

Aaron to DM: “Hearing the tale, though wondering on a reward, I charge back into the building. But before that, I tell the man in front of Thor, barely in my range of attention enough to accept his reality, to join if he so wishes. When I enter, I look for the most ‘assist’ type looking person, any diving-type or very odd looking individuals, or a person sized toe covered in a cloth. This is done in a search check :13”

DM to Aaron: “The man in front of Thor barely registers your message and seems to be drooling a bit.
You notice that blondy up on the roof has been fiddling with what looks like matches but has resulted in rather comical failure. He now appears to be staring blankly at the sky.
You search so hard that you find nothing out of the ordinary, but damn was that some good searching. The warehouse seems to be lined with offices on the left wall and conveyor belts producing what appears to be a new kind of glue that you remember your boss discussing with you. There seems to be no one manning the controls. On the wall in front of you there is a staircase leading to a second floor railing which houses another more comforting looking office. You are jealous.”

DM to Alex: “The pilots will see what they can find and thank you for your courtesy. The clouds take on shapes of square number objects, you quickly grow bored. From within the building you hear the faint sounds of a cat. You inspect the lower floor and notice that the large man also seems to have a small cat stuck to his back. It tries desperately to get free but seems to be unable to and the man seems to take no notice.

Alex to DM: “I assume that Agent Fluffy is fulfilling the assignment given to him (I was not told the details), wonder if that flame-proof fur coat he’s grown will work out in the end, and proceed to lounge on the roof.”

Aaron to DM: “My jealousy quickly, as normal, turns into unending rage towards comfort not given to myself. I head back to my desk and look through my desk. Fed by this burning passion, I become totally serious and grab my standard 3 scrolls of transportation (just like mom always says to have near by) and weapon spell scrolls I still have. Finding two scrolls of Hell’s Flame and Divine Armour Coating, I now head to the second floor and brace to take out my rage on the first fancy and comfortable thing I encounter with my sword. Nat. 20 to hit whatever it is that I see.”

DM to Alex: “The cat managed to get a claw into the large man, who in a fit of pain and rage, has once again yelled very loudly. The building rumbles and you notice that the roof is starting to give way. Your lounging has been severely interrupted and chances of falling to the floor below are high. There is however a second floor railing within jumping distance below your part of the roof, it may be your only chance.”

DM to Aaron: “You cut the shit out of that very comfortable looking desk. It’s not only cut, the sheer force of your swing has scorched the ends of the desk. A blistering sound wails from it which you can only assume to be the tears of the tree that went into making that desk.
On the other end of the desk is your very important looking boss, whom you obviously know. He may have at one time taken value in you, but now you’ve killed his desk. And he really liked that desk.
The room apart from your destruction of the desk seems normal, if not very comfortable. Nothing seems overly suspicious.”

Alex to DM: “I activate my derp-powered jetpack. Derping repeatedly, I fly off the warehouse and land a safe distance away in the field.”

DM to Alex: “It would appear that your derping was not of a strong enough will and you only manage to barely make it to the second floor railing.
In front of you you see that the office worker has broken through what appears to be a very comfortable looking office and sliced a very comfortable looking desk in half.”

Alex to DM: “Yeah, but I flew away from the warehouse, not the second floor railing.”

DM to Alex: “The overwhelming power of herp within the building pulled you backward.”

DM to Matt: “You are the very powerful, very important boss of a small warehouse in the middle of an undisclosed field. Your warehouse produce what you only assume to be glue made from what you can only assume to be cat bones. While sitting in your very comfortable office you notice that outside there is a large ruckus and now all of your windows are shattered. Outside you see a large naked man with a chunk of your floor and a small cat stuck to his back. In front of him stands a man you swear you recognize.
All of a sudden one of your office workers bursts through your door with a broad sword and completely demolishes your very comfortable looking desk. You obviously know him, and may even find value in him, but you really liked that desk. What do you do?”

Quick note: The idea to include Matt had not come to me right away so his inclusion in this campaign was put off till now. Unfortunately his inclusion was still a bit limited after this.

Matt to DM: “Sit back and see what happens.”

Aaron to DM: “I apologize and since he had taken value in me, he must know that it was totally necessary and bad ass for my actions. After which, I inform him of my tale and current quest to find either a man named toerag or a giant toe covered in a cloth still not entirely sure which one I’m looking for sure but willing to destroy either one. Then I ask for his assistance, promising the greatest treasure one may ever receive, a bucket of friendship. Assuming he joins, I continue to search out the foe higher up the building. if he does not but takes no action against me, I apologize once more and then continue. if attempts to fight, I will give one warning before i toast his ass with Hell’s fire. (Inform me if any roles would be needed)”

DM to Matt: “He asks if you’ve seen a large toe covered in a cloth, which is ridiculous. Behind him is a blond kid who seems to be derping. You are asked to join in the quest to find the Toe Rag, but you feel you may be a bit busy given your desk is now split in two. What do you do?”

Dave to DM: “I look around for weapons and other people while asking Thor what he wants.”

Quick note: Dave had finally paid attention long enough to respond despite him being the one to start the adventure.

DM to Dave: “There was an office worker that passed by earlier but was informed by Thor that he must find Toe Rag in order to unglue Thor from the floor. There also appeared to be a small blond guy on the roof but is now behind the office worker over on the second floor, and appears to be derping.
You check your pockets and only manage to find a miniature crossbow and a few straws. There are however numerous planks and shards of glass lying around you that might serve as a weapon. You did notice the office worker, whom you swear you know, coming out of his office with weaponry.
Thor mentions to you again that he is glued to the floor and requests help, and that there also happens to be a small cat clawing at his back and he is really getting angry about it. He also informs you of Toe Rag, his fathers assistant, and that he is elvish looking man that has glued him to the floor.”

Dave to DM: “I first attempt to calm the cat and remove it from Thor’s back. After that I ask Thor is he know which direction Toe Rag ran off in. Also I search for some clothes or a towel for Thor to wear.”

DM to Dave: “Roll to see if you can remove the cat, as well as to see if you can move around the glue. To your left stands a large Coca Cola machine on top of which holds a set of clothing, undoubtedly Thor’s. Thor informs you that while Toe Rag may be within the building, he could not effectively see where he went. He mentions that the other little mortal earlier was looking for him, and that he ran off behind him. The other mortal as you noticed earlier is on the second floor railing, the stair case to which is on the wall far behind Thor.”

Dave to DM: “I rolled an 18 to remove the cat. I go to the top of the Coke machine and help Thor dress as much as possible. Lastly I ask Thor if he needs anything else before I wander away to find Toe Rag.”

DM to Dave: :You successfully remove the cat along with most of its fur. It’s really pissed and scratches you in the face. It manages to do 2 damage. Thor now has what appears to be the top half of his armor on and looks absolutely ridiculous but stands manly non-the-less. He simply states that he doesn’t want that cat around and asks that you hurry with finding Toe Rag.”

DM to Aaron:  “He informs you that while there will probably be a dock in pay, there is no need to fight any more. There are no toes covered in cloth roaming around his very important building, but there is a Mr. Rag in office 4, and that he was really adamant about the glue production. He, however, is much too important right now to join you and you wonder how he said any of this without moving his lips. You wonder if he was really paying attention or if he just passively mentioned it.
You notice that the blond guy from the roof has landed behind you claiming ‘Derp’. He isn’t amused.”

Aaron to DM: “I have no idea what ‘blond guy from the roof’ means as that moment was viewed as previously stated bull shit. What is seen is a fellow derping around which is possibly the greatest offensive action you can perform around me for absolutely no real reason. Normally i would berserk but thankfully i am in a much better deposition from finding out the location of my foe and learning it truly is a man and not a giant mutant lump of flesh coated in fabric. I tell him to cut his shit, stop the offensive gesture, and should he so wish join me on releasing Thor from the glue imprisonment. I wait a short moment and make my way to “Mr” Toerag’s office to either engage in deadly combat or politely ask for Thor to be freed, all to be decided with a flip of a coin upon a quick conversation with him as to be sure i have not been deceived somewhere along my epic adventure. Can’t have any more incidents like that leper colony I flung into the realm of eternal lava after being told it was suppose to be goblins within it. The yoke sure was on my face that day.”

Dave to DM: “I run towards the staircase, cat in hand. As I pass the second floor railing, I toss the cat at the other mortal, claiming that I didn’t want it anyway. I run down the stair case hoping to go as far down as possible, preferably to the basement all the while looking for other human beings or any weapon that I could wield myself. All this time I wonder, “How did I get here?” and begin to sing the Talking Heads as I run by.”

DM to Dave: “You fail your search for the basement as there isn’t one. You do however find a nonchalant spear leaning against the wall of an office. There appears to be nothing else in sight. You try to remember the details that lead up to this and swear you were just here to visit a friend but that damn song keeps distracting you from further memories.(roll to see if you can get the song out of your head) Maybe someone else has some clues.”

DM to Aaron: “He just stands there like ‘herp derp’ and you leave him be. You notice that the smaller man, whom you swear you recognize, has finally moved and somewhat clothed Thor(though he looks ridiculous). He runs up towards you and throws a pissed off hairless cat in your direction then runs away frantically in search of something.(Role to see if you dodge the cat) It may be wise to deal with him first as you may actually need his help.”

Aaron to DM: “A 15 to dodge, it has not been the first time an angry fur-less cat has been thrown at me and I would safely bet it won’t be the last. Now that some form of brain function has actually occurred within one of the few people have encountered while also not currently being stuck in glue, it is obvious that he is a perfect member for my team to defeat this surge of humanity or i feel safely enough to assume for the moment. I ask him what he is seeking and then tell him of my quest to see if perhaps we can assist one another, since a good brain seems almost as valuable as a full bucket of friendship. Which last checked in the current market went $18,320.43 per full bucket, an all time low since stupid inflation from artificial fillers lowering the quality and insulting the very honor of the bucket itself along with the content.”

Dave to DM: “I intentionally fail my roll. I grab the spear off the wall and wield it with a warriors cry as I search high and low to find any person other than the man I threw the cat at.”

DM to Dave: “You run across several offices all of which have holes that seem to have once housed windows. Within them appear to be several helpless and panicking office workers all of which look completely pathetic. Though the fourth office appears relatively intact, odd since everything else is in shambles.
The office worker, wielding a broadsword, that you had thrown the cat at has approached you to offer you company in finding Toe Rag and asks what it is that you seek. He rambles on about buckets and friendship and you feel slightly more at ease around him than the crazy blond guy waving a card around. he mentions that he needs all the brain power he can get to find this guy and that you’re, for now, the one to help.”

Dave to DM: “Seeing as no one else is a around to share in this adventure, I decide it is best to simply team up with this man if I seek to free Thor. As the man leads on to our destination, I share with him the song I am currently singing, and ask him how did he get here?”

DM to Aaron: “You manage to dodge the screeching cat as it hits the wall. It doesn’t appear to be moving but hey that tends to happen. The man you approached, whom has just picked up a spear, appears to have a melody of some sort stuck in his head and seems to not recognize you. You feel like you know him but for some reason seem to be unable to recall anything about this guy.(Roll to see if you remember anything)
He agrees to accompany you and share with you the melody stuck within his thoughts. He then asks on how you came to get here.(You’ll be rolling for the same thing, but you already know that you work here)”

Aaron to DM: “I got an 8 to remember him, but I doubt it is of any real importance. What is important is bring the long awaited justice to ToeRag and his evil glue related plots. Having an 18 on how i got here, I tell him the tale of my past works out adventuring for many a powerful artifacts and great challenges. But after one slip-up involving a certain lie and a certain village unjustly sent into a certain dimension of never-ending melted rock; I was told to take a forced 3 month vacation and so I got a job here to help pay the bills in that time. Thankfully, this nice gem of an adventure fell into your lab and just in time, since its been a whole week since the sentence and last adventure.”

Matt to DM: “Well… As I am never going to get any work done now that my desk is split, I might as well go along with the quest. Before leaving though, I look at the blonde kid and say “Goddammit Alex…””

DM to Matt: “You join up with one of your office workers and another man whom you probably find value in and you make your way toward the offices. Mind you you’re completely unarmed but who cares as you are far too important to get hurt within your own warehouse(which is also very important).
As the three of you enter the fourth office you find a small elvish looking man sitting behind a rather appealing desk. He has slicked back silverish hair and looks almost greenish in complexion. He appears to be playing with what you hope is glue and giggling amongst himself.”

DM to Dave: “The two of you move toward the fourth office as a man coming from within the second floor office joins you on your journey.
You’re informed that the man wielding the broadsword leading you to what may be certain death is here on paid vacation after a mishap with a village in a volcano of some sort. You sort of drift off and barely pay attention since that freaking song is now stuck in everyone’s heads.
As the three of you enter the fourth office you find a small elvish looking man sitting behind a rather appealing desk. He has slicked back silverish hair and looks almost greenish in complexion. He appears to be playing with what you hope is glue and giggling amongst himself.”

DM to Aaron: “He seems to be paying slight attention to your story as you notice your boss coming to join you as he has nothing to do now with a split desk.
As the three of you enter the fourth office you find a small elvish looking man sitting behind a rather appealing desk. He has slicked back silverish hair and looks almost greenish in complexion. He appears to be playing with what you hope is glue and giggling amongst himself.”

Matt to DM: “I grab the shotgun on the desk next to me and inquire “Did you pay for that glue, Little Elvish Man?””

Alex to DM: “I play Time Stop.”

Dave, Aaron, Matt: “Goddammit Alex!”

I realize that the few DnD stories that I’ve told in this series have all been fairly unorthodox. Obviously this was a very odd way of playing and as I said it was kind of make shift at best. Still this was a really fun experiment to try and had Alex not been such a spoil sport with Time Stopping the campaign we probably wouldn’t have forgotten about it. I had been contemplating how to add in more combat but for the most part it was meant to emphasize the role-playing aspect of DnD more than the combat.

While this was heavily make shift and does indeed take a bit of dedication to type out your actions it is still something that I urge you to try. It’s a fun way to play the game without having too much set up outside of a simple place to post your actions to one another. It also doesn’t require hours of sit down time or a group that can manage it’s time. If you like the more role-play aspects of DnD then you might get a kick out of it. We certainly did.

-Aresol-

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