Time Stop!: The Ballad of Big Tony.

Back in my high school days Sunday mornings used to be the big day to get together and do stuff among my group of friends. This tradition started between myself and my two friends, Randy and Bill, during my sophomore year. We had our usual spots that we hit up like McDonalds or the movie theater or hell, even K’Mart was a happening spot in our town. Still, despite the thrill ride that K’Mart is we eventually had to find different ways to amuse ourselves. One of these ways was the creation of Big Tony.

On one of our Sunday morning excursions through town we found ourselves to once again be rather bored. Now, if there’s one aspect of Randy that leads to more randomly hilarious moments than anything else, it’s having a bored Randy. There have been several occasions where Randy’s boredom would lead him to take sudden, and usually very odd, actions. This would often lead us to either trouble or a lot of fun. Who am I kidding, it was fun regardless.

I’ve actually talked to Randy and Bill in the past few days and none of us can really remember how the conversation lead to the subject of the mafia, but for whatever reason that’s what came up. So Randy decided to begin mimicking(what he thought was) the voice of a crime lord, calling himself Big Tony. It comes off more as if Randy just has his mouth full of peanut butter. Honestly though, we didn’t care. To us, this was the most hilarious thing we had seen all week.

For a while this kept us occupied as we just kept going back and forth with Randy as he talked like this. It actually lasted for a fairly good chunk of the afternoon, because if there’s one thing thing Randy does well with his jokes it’s his commitment to them. It can be hard to get Randy to break character, mostly because we never wanted him to quit. So, we’re having fun but after a while I imagine we started to get curious as to how other people would react to Big Tony. More specifically, how they would react over the phone without knowing that it was actually Randy.

So of course Randy has his phone out and is going through his contacts and finally picks out a classmate of ours named Hilary. Hilary’s kind of an idiot. I mean, she’s a nice enough person but she will believe just about anything you tell her as long as you can keep a straight enough face, and sometimes even if not. I realize that I’m describing her as being more gullible than stupid but you’ll just have to trust me on this one, she’s an idiot.

Now obviously Hilary would’ve had caller I.D. on her cell phone and could’ve seen that it was Randy. Taking notice of this we decided to use my phone since she wouldn’t have had my number. Why she had Randy’s and not mine I’ll never know, but it probably had something to do with me calling her an idiot on occasion.

Anyway, Randy starts out with some texting. Nothing too major just some attempted extortion. It went more or less like this, and yes, it’s pretty similar to the Family Guy bit. We were teenagers, we didn’t know any better.

Randy: “You got my money?”

Hilary: “Who is this?”

Randy: “This is Big Tony, where’s my money?”

Hilary: “I’m sorry, you have the wrong number.”

Randy then proceeds to call her: “Yo Bobby, where’s my money?”

Hilary: “What? Who is this?”

Randy: “I told you, this is Big Tony. Where my money Bobby? I want my money.”

Hilary: “You have the wrong number!”

Randy: “I don’t like you playing with me Bobby. You better give me my money. I want my money Bobby!”

Hilary: “Stop calling me please!”

After that I remember her not being too eager to pick up her phone. We laughed and joked about it for a while but that phone call stayed as the highlight of our day. It’s a story that’s not easily remembered in full but it’s a joke among us that never really ended. Big Tony is a character that we’ve actually fleshed out through random jokes and such as well. Like how he put Bill through college with the money he made from extorting during high school. But Bill’s really only there to set up shop for Big Tony’s ring of corrupt pretzel stands and to get his illegitimate daughter in to the school for cheap.

Stuff like that has been going on for years between us and while we’ll never fully remember the whole story behind the creation of Big Tony, or what Hilary did to us afterwards, it still stands as one of the highlights of our time together and one of our earliest escapades. I know this is one of my shorter and slightly more patch work stories, but really, sometimes I just gotta look back and think about Big Tony. It’s a lighthearted story that I really like to tell and considering some of my more questionable actions that I’ve shared(or have yet to) this is something that I feel serves as a nice offset. See? I’m not a total jerk. Sometimes my friends help.


One response to “Time Stop!: The Ballad of Big Tony.

  1. Time Stop! Is still awesome. It would be more awesome if you had like a youtube channel to make a routine out of this, or something like that.

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